I have been good. I have been not good. I generally swing between these two moods a bit. It is one of my many balances in life during this pandemic. This week particularly has been good. I’m kinda stick with my routine. Which is early wake up; read a bit; fuck around on socials; and get to work. Inbetween that I am reading articles. Watching Youtube. Exercise a bit. Oh, and grab some food to munch on fosho. That has kinda been my routine. I try breaking up the monotony of it all by getting outside (bring the kiddies wit me). Walk around a bit and just enjoy nature. Nature is relaxing and just recharges my ‘energy’.
Lately been trying to just figure some shit out. Where do you go from here? I say that like there is no time. I have plenty of time. I just feel something should be done, now. Which is probably the root of my problem. I feel like something needs to be done now. I have been trying to drive in my thick skull. That you have to enjoy the side quests. 2020 is a whole ass side quest. It is time to think introspectively; think a bit deeper; and frfr I just want to be a better man. Honestly, I do not subscribe to the idea of being leader of the house. I do not subscribe to being provider of the house. I do not prescribe to being protector.
What I think a man should do is work with his significant other. If y’all building a life together. Shouldn’t we consult one another. Should we not have our own dreams and aspirations? And somehow make that work harmoniously with our lives. Are we not equals? That perhaps think differently and are different in many respects. Their should not be a protector of the house. I want us to both protect our ‘house’. Should we both not be productive members of society; and not earn wages for our labor? Or become proprietor of a need and or service.
Honestly for me a man is a master of himself and himself only. I hold no dominion over anyone or anything. The only control I have is over oneself. Often this is forgotten. We (I) yearn for control but it is such an illusion. Control is toxic and will eat you alive.
Also a man only has a couple of things in his life that he owns. Ya, name and ya word. Everything is in a name. From it meaning to how people speak on it. Ya word should be bond. Be impeccable with ya words. Because word generally mean things. Word can be powerful be careful how you yield it. Next, I think a man should be able to defend himself. Again that has to do with mastery. I think I am searching for mastery. Mastery of self. Mastery of emotion. Mastery of word. Mastery of self. Then maybe I can mend my broken spirit. Then I can love harder. Maybe I can realize that my other half is in the same fight. I want to love you more and I cannot use my broken spirit as an excuse.